Wasteland Tomes
by Nemorian
Summary: An assortment of short stories based on the books scattered throughout the wastes.


**Tales of a Junktown Jerky Vendor  
**Issue #3 excerpt

I sprinted down the slope toward the power station, panting, sweating and bleeding from my right shoulder. The raiders in pursuit taunted and cheered, their bullets whizzing by on each side. My companion was faring better, anything that hit her usually ricocheted off her metal armor, which is one of the reasons I now had a bullet in my arm. She sped up, reaching the door first and pushing it open, stepping out of the way and snapping off a few shots with her assault rifle while I rushed inside. Not a moment after I was in she followed, slammed the door and pulled down the locker sitting next to it, blocking the way in.

There was a heavy thump against the door and my companion tilted a second locker onto the first, then grabbed and slid the desk on the other side of the room in front of them for good measure. Afterwards, she moved to the far corner of the room and sat down on a fallen barrel, leaning against the wall.

"Well…" I said once she had caught her breath. "…now I know why your services were so cheap. You certainly are a poor bodyguard."

Lifting the rifle in my direction slightly, she scowled. "Don't fucking start again, Lars, or this time I WILL shoot your goddamned lips off."

"Ohh, scary." I muttered sarcastically, taking a stimpack out of my pocket and thrusting the needle into my wounded arm. "Where was your amazingly fierce demeanor when those Raiders jumped us? Out to lunch?"

"There were half a dozen of the bastards and only one of me. Unless you're going to suck it up, lift a gun and bust a cap or two in some Raider ass instead of letting me do all the work shut just the hell up, Jerky boy."

Shaking my head, I sat down on a chair that had been by the desk. "I only allow you to do the things that require both zero morals and brainpower. I'm better than senseless killing."

"Senseless killing?! Those are RAIDERS for Christ's sake! Blowing their heads off, while fun, is purely self-defense!" She insisted. "And speaking of zero morals, how the _FUCK_ is what you do even remotely morally okay?!"

"What are you talking about? I sell cheap food to those who seek it. While I admit the Mole Rat jerky isn't exactly tasty and the Radroach variety has a very unusual texture, they're both edible and inexpensive." I explained, then considered my other wares. "Though I suppose you are right, I could knock a cap or two off the price of Brahmin jerky, but if it's the Yao Guai you're getting at, you've obviously never tried to get ahold of the stuff. It's not easy to find and not cheap when you do."

My bodyguard stared at me as if I was a complete idiot, which even though I had gotten used to by now I still found a little insulting. "Don't play dumb, damn it. You know what I'm talking about, that new venture idea of yours. The whole reason we're out on this insane little trek in the first place."

I shook my head and sighed. "Oh, that? I didn't expect you to understand, since you aren't a businessman like myself. I was approached for the product, so I agreed to supply it. To be honest, I'm amazed the idea didn't strike me sooner. It's an obviously untapped market."

"That's because it's a fucking crime against nature, you sick freak! Normal people do NOT eat each other!" She snapped, rising to her feet and aiming the rifle at my face. "I still can't believe you thought I'd go along with this! If you'd told me that was the plan before we found the bastards trying to bash down the door, I would've told you where to cram your idea and let you find a new bodyguard!"

"You're overreacting again, Penny. People kill Raiders all the time, plus they're outlaws so nobody will care. You're acting like I suggested we grab random people from Junktown and kill them. That would be crazy, someone would quickly notice such an act, not to mention it would reduce the number of my already limited clientele. I can't have that." I explained, slowly, hoping she would be able to grasp the simple concept of business.

"Raiders or not, you're still slicing apart people to feed other people! That's just disgusting!" She shouted, still stuck on such inane details. "I knew you were strange, Lars, but this is sociopathic!"

Thinking I should have used smaller words in my previous explanation, I rubbed my forehead where it was starting to ache. "Think about it, you've killed Raiders before, right?"

She nodded. "Of course, but-"

"When you killed them," I interrupted "what did you do afterwards?"

"I stripped them of their weapons and armor and sold the equipment in town."

"And you left the corpses behind, to rot uselessly until a wild dog or something came along. How very wasteful."

"Now you listen here-"

"No, you listen. Raiders are the scum of the wastes and the only good one is a dead one. If I'm able to secure a market for Raider jerky, profits would skyrocket. Not only from the meat, but the weapons and such we get off them." I said, hoping she'd understand just what was to be gained from it. "You can keep or sell everything they have on them for hazard pay on top of your normal rate, I get a new jerky to sell and the good people of Junktown get more food available to them. Everybody wins."

"Except for the people that end up eating human meat without knowing it!"

I gave a dismissive wave, wondering if she really had such a low opinion of me. "Come now, you really think I'd intentionally mislabel a product? Although I'm well aware most people would react like you, I won't lie about it. That particular jerky will only be sold to those who request it, not set out with the others for all to see. I do have to consider discretion for the sake of my customers."

Glaring at me for a few seconds more, Penny lowered her assault rifle and dropped back onto the barrel. "I don't like it one bit… but if there _are_closet cannibals in Junktown I suppose it's better they eat Raiders than normal wasters or other residents."

"Yet another perk. Now do you see why it's not such a bad idea?"

"It's still sick."

"Yes, I know. I certainly wouldn't pick it if given a choice, but it's not about my tastes here. Personally, I think the best jerky I ever made was ghoul."

I saw a tint of green enter her face. "You actually tried making _ghoul_ jerky and _ate_ it?"

"Of course, I am an entrepreneur, overlooking the possibility of that would have been foolish. Appearances aside, it was quite good. It absorbed the seasonings very well and because of the condition it was much more tender than anything I've made since. Unfortunately, I couldn't sell it."

"I believe it, most people can't stand looking at ghouls, and nobody in their right mind would want to EAT one."

I leaned against the arm of the chair and sighed. "I wouldn't know about that, I mean I simply couldn't even put it up for sale to see if anyone would try it. You see, it was heavily irradiated even after I added Rad-X to the treatment. The only way I could sell it in good conscience would be to include a packet of Radaway in every bag, which would have been too expensive."

She raised an eyebrow at me. "Huh… I'll be damned, you _do_ have some morals."

"A shopkeeper is nothing without a set of business ethics." I pointed out, glancing at the door as something heavy thumped against it. The stupid Raiders were apparently still trying to get in. "Though I suppose I could have sold the stuff anyway and put a warning label on it. That approach worked well enough for cigarettes."

"Make that questionable morals." Penny muttered.

I rolled my eyes, wondering why I had to find probably the only hired gun in the wastes stupid enough to get hung up on such things. "If you're done objecting to my business venture, what do you plan on doing about the potential profit raging outside?"

Mulling it over for a minute, she reached into the pack on her waist and pulled out a frag mine. "We set up some cover, plant a few of these babies and let them open the door."

"Are you crazy?" I asked, even knowing the answer was a resounding yes. "That will tear apart their legs and ruin the meat!"

"Do you have any other ideas?"

I opened my mouth, hesitated, and slumped back against the chair. "No… but if any get through the blast, aim for the head, okay? I don't have anything to work with up top."

"Oh, I'm well aware of that already." She said with a wink, before beginning to set up an explosive surprise for the Raiders. With some luck, we wouldn't get caught up in the explosion with them… and with even more, I wouldn't accidently give Penny anymore openings to prove how much of a smartass she can be.


End file.
